Another goal to work toward is talking louder.
Besides being selfish, someone who is "impotent" and doesn't go ahead and please their lover, is missing a lot of the fun. (As Josh says, "It's a high just watching a woman's face as she gets off." (The smell, touch, and sounds of it are neat too.))
I spent a couple years in the bars and tried out a lot of behaviors in a lot of situations with a lot of women, and couldn't find anything that worked. Now I have spent a couple of years studying and coming to terms with myself. (Maybe now it would be different? (I know I have changed, but I don't know if it's in a way that will make any difference in finding lovers.))
(8pm) I cooked dinner, but couldn't get into eating it. (That is twice this week?)
10-24-86
(Midnite) Well, I have a headache and I am stiff and sore for the first time in some time. (I wonder what I am doing wrong now?)
Maybe the women who told me that being broke was the reason they didn't want to go out with me were lying? (I have heard so many reasons in the past few years, I don't know which to believe and which were bullshit.)
Well, back to studying.
(1pm) Nice workout.
I got a letter from Samantha. (She is mostly bored, but is learning to be a dj at the university.) (She reminded me of one of our fun times. (Once upon a time, according to Samantha and Carrie, I was fun. (How did I lose it and how do I regain the little I had? (And how do I become even more so?))))
Josh called yesterday. (He and Julia are going to stop by tomorrow on their way back from Glacier.)
I am still not getting into job hunting. (I just can't seem to get my mind off my studies.)
(Until I figure out how to get laid, nothing else seems to be too important.)
(6pm) Nice walk.
10-25-86
(3am) Quiet nite of tv.
(11am) Laundry time again.
(6pm) Nice walk.
An example of how people just appear on the streets is one guy I talked to on one of my bus trips last summer. (I don't even remember his name, but I have gotten a lot from the books he suggested.)