(7pm) I am not doing real well with quitting cigs. (I will get down to the health club tomorrow. (Maybe that will help with the cigs?))
I wonder if one can turn the tendency of illusion turning into delusion to one's advantage? (If one could choose a positive and constructive illusion to create, and then let themselves be deluded into believing it, it might help one become a wholer human being.)
(9pm) I have been watching "Moonlighting" lately. (I am in lust with Matty!) (David comes up with some pretty good lines.)
Erica tells me I should go out and look for jobs. (Don't they hunt down accounting geniuses and drag them off to work? (I figured I would have to hide out so I could get a couple weeks off before they find me and drag me back to the old computer terminal again.))
10-1-86
(2am) Quiet nite of tv.
There seems to be a miniature rush hour traffic surge right after the bars close.
(10am) If I hear the "your too nice to f" line from too many more women, I will be tempted to turn into a total asshole.
(3pm) Erica dropped off my letters to her from the past few months to type up. (That will keep me busy.)
I joined the health club and bought some shoes for racquetball.
Coincidence: The last entry in my journal is 4-26-86, and Erica started saving letters with the one that began 4-27-86. (Weird.)
(9pm) I tried going to Flippers last nite for happy hour, but I got the shakes really bad and came home. (The different aspects within me seem to be tearing me apart! (One part longs to play and be with people, and another generates huge amounts of anxiety if I put myself in social settings. (What a fucking basket case I am!)))
(11pm) I don't like the attitude the Ian's of the world have toward women; but I may be wrong because lots of women find them desirable, while I am batting zero. (I guess I have watched too many movies and read too many books. (There the nice guys usually find girlfriends and the jerks don't; but in reality it seems to be the other way around.))
10-2-86
(1am) One thing I am trying is touching myself. (I don't behave properly for anyone else to want to touch me, so I am trying to make do and sooth myself a bit.)
(3am) I hate nicotine withdrawal.