I suppose the trick in following my instinctive reaction to people is that I need to leave the door open a bit in case I have misperceived. (Leave room for 2nd chances.) (I need to accept that I can spend time bs'ing with people I don't like or trust. (Just don't let them get too close or let them get in a position where they can harm me.))
(4pm) Quiet day of typing and fighting with nicotine withdrawal.
Note from the ozone: I think one key to relationships is to always keep looking for changes. (The one aspect of my marriage that was good, was sex. (The reason was that we were constantly exploring new variations. (As much as I seem to lack spontaneity now, sexually, I was very spontaneous then. (I wonder if that is why all forms of play make me horny now? (It all has some sexual memory tied to it.))))) (The reason the parts that were bad, were bad, had a lot to do with lack of change. (e.g., she attacked me daily, but it was always the same rage, with the same basis in jealousy and insecurity. (Maybe that is part of the playing thing now too? (Every form of play was always guarded then, as I never knew if it was going to end in an attack. (Usually it was an attack and then sex, or the other way around.) (People say that fights are fun because of making up, but now I am so afraid of being attacked that I avoid sex.)))))
(8pm) More typing. (Tis reminding me of last spring. (I miss partying with Erica. (I wish I was someone she enjoyed being with.)))
10-3-86
(Midnite) Enough typing.
(3am) Quiet nite.
(10am) This unemployment is drastically different from the last one. (The last time I didn't care if I had the shakes, or if I was up or down, or if I had a dime to my name; I just headed for the bar and spent eight hours a day there. (The negative aspects were that lots of people labeled me as a drunk (Funny because I rarely had more than two drinks.), and as a lady's man (I spent a lot of time with a lot of women, but I was celibate the whole time.); I consumed too much pop (Which messed up my teeth.); I ate very poorly so I would have more money for the bars; and for whatever reasons I didn't behave in a way that women found desirable.) (The positive aspect was that I met lots of people. (But, if I gave a bad impression and depressed them by being down a lot, not being a talker, and not making first moves; I suppose that was bad too?))) (Oh well, this time there is no unemployment money and I don't know lots of bartenders who will give me free drinks.)
I hope that quitting cigs (I am doing sort of okay. (Tis day four without.)), and exercise (I spent $160 to join a health club and buy shoes for racquetball.) will help clear up my shakes and improve my attitude. (Erica has commented about my shakes, my being down, my general attitude, …; and says I shouldn't go out until I can be "up" and not depress others; and I think she is probably right. (Hopefully if I can work this all out, women will perceive me differently, and I will be able to overcome my fear of intimacy.))
(4pm) I went down and got my driver’s license renewed. (What a line. (I had fun visiting with people in the line though.))
(8pm) The trees are turning colors. (Pretty!)