She was also feeling a little sad about not being able to form a long-term relationship. (She does seem to get bored with a fellow, once she knows she has got him.)-(And, she reacts negatively to displays of jealousy, but I think that is appropriate.) (The new fellow she is chasing is still playing hard to get. (She says she did get him into bed again though. (She says they got back from a three-day cruise (They work on the same boat.), and he helped her haul her stuff up to her apartment. Then he laid down on the bed for a minute to rest ("His fatal mistake."). But, the next morning, he was back to playing hard to get.))) (Also, she says, that if Erica is going to tell me not to go to Wallace that she should start taking care of me.)
She commented that I seem to be trying hard to legitimize prostitution. (I feel guilty about going, but maybe the guilt is just another excuse for avoiding sex?) (She also comments on how a lot of men only want "traditional" forms of sexuality with their mates, and then go to prostitutes for the kinkier aspects of it. ("What prostitution does is eliminate a lot of sexually frustrated men who do not feel comfortable doing strange, kinky shit (in their minds) with their so called nice wifey-girlfriend. They want to experience these things but don't want the women of their dreams - their angels - to perform those acts.")) (My ex was a great teacher, and introduced me to a lot of different forms of sexuality, so that seems kind of silly to me; but I suppose it's true for some men.)-(I suppose what is even sillier is being unable to deal with sex unless I pay for it.))
(11pm) I went down to Flippers after work today. Then over to Richard's (one of Erica's friends)-(he is a writer and a poet too) with Erica and Gwynn. Then out on the town for a couple more brews. (Fun nite.)
Erica gave me some more shit tonite about not talking. (I am lost as to what I am supposed to say.) (I am a pretty good listener though.) (Once I get to know someone, and if there aren’t too many others around, I seem to talk a little; but I am slow to trust and quick to withdraw into my shell.)-(I may be a lovable turtle, but I would probably still be lovable if I opened up and shared more of myself. (Maybe someday I will break through?))
Erica says I have to get over my hang-up of being focused on women friends. (I don't know, I usually prefer the company of women, and don't have much in common with most men.) (Men friends seem to come to me without even trying, if I go out. Finding women friends, on the other hand, is where I have troubles; so I tend to talk and worry more about that.)
She says I also need to jump into conversations and make myself a part of the social situation. (I know, but I can't seem to do it, and don't know how.)
I have been pondering some more on Carrie's comment about why a lot of men go to prostitutes. (Maybe I have put all my women friends up on a pedestal, and feel they are too good to have sex with me? (Or, rather than putting them on a pedestal, maybe I have just dug a hole and stepped down into it myself? (Not liking myself enough to think I am good enough and thinking that there are a lot of other men who are better than I am.) (I know they all have active sex lives and I am happy for them; so that is probably closer to what has happened.))
I still think that whether women find me desirable or not is a good way of determining how much growing I have left to do. (I want to eventually become someone others enjoy being with.)
I think that my "map" of reality still doesn't fit the real world very well. (Then again, whose does?)