Now tis laundry time again.
6-2-86
(9am) Last nite was quiet.
(10pm) I wonder if somehow I am unconsciously choosing women for friends, who aren't going to find me desirable? (Or is it that I pick the one’s who could be interested, and then my defenses keep them just far enough away so that we remain just friends?)
I think my feelings about being sexually aggressive are valid, but my philosophy of passivity is probably the wrong response. (If everyone acted like I do, not many babies would be born.) (There has to be some mode of behavior somewhere in between those extremes that is right, but I seem to be too afraid to search for it.)
I like the Grateful Dead's tune "Truckin". (There is a line in there that says something like, everyone who is talking about "true love" is usually sitting at home alone. (Someday I will have to put aside my romanticism, and get back out on the streets and start fulfilling my needs.))
(Noon) I got a check today from the County, for this last trip. (Yeah.)
I suppose that rejection serves two purposes, for me:
1. It confirms my self-image.
2. It keeps me from having to deal with my problems.
(As long as I can't find a date, I don't have to learn to deal with relationships beyond friendship.) (If I were really that tired of celibacy and being a fifth wheel, I think I would find some way to get laid now and then.)-(First I would still have to develop some seduction skills. (Tis kind of embarrassing to be thirty-five and to never have picked anyone up at a bar, and to still be lost as to how it's done after spending thousands of hours in singles bars.)-(But, if I would put in the hours watching how other guys do it, and find the courage to try and to fall on my face a lot, eventually I would figure it out.))
(7pm) I went on a shopping spree this evening. (That was a lot of fun!)
6-3-86
(2pm) I stopped at Flippers after work last nite, had a cheeseburger, bs'd with Erica, and then went to see "Trip to Bountiful" with her. (Nice nite, and good movie.) (The only problem with going to movies with her is that it's a bit frustrating being that close to her. (All my women friends frustrate me in that way, but she effects me the most.)-(Oh well, tis good for me to practice dealing with those feelings.))
(8pm) I got my big monthly grocery shopping trip out of the way, and bought a phone, a new album, and some new books.
6-4-86
(8am) I have been trying to quit cigs again, but I was feeling blue this morning and slipped back into smoking. (Some day I am going to beat that habit.)