(6pm) I think one positive sign is that I have started changing the styles and colors of my wardrobe. (With a lot of help from Erica.) (It isn’t much; but it's a start. (And it’s a sign that I am not as closed off to the possibility of someone finding me desirable as I once was.)) (Keep pushing myself and making a lot of little changes in myself.)
(8pm) Well, I think I have everything packed for my trip tomorrow to help out the County again. (I wonder what I am forgetting? (I am such an airhead.))
The walkman should make the bus ride nicer.
(10pm) The neighborhood kids are still outside playing. (It must be getting close to summer.)
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(5pm) Tis dog time again. (The joys of leaving the driving to them.) (I would rather drive myself, but ….)
Although things have gotten better at work, I have decided to quit. (Whenever I work in the private sector my bosses seem to expect me to commit felonies as part of the job, and I just can't cope with that much risk.
I have been pondering on another letter from Erica:
1. She thinks I should forget Wallace because I "analyze it to death", I really don't seem to enjoy it, and because I need to save my money for moving to another apartment and in preparation for my upcoming unemployment. (I do have my worries about that, but it's better than Rosie, and my only source of touching.)
2. She also thinks I need to stop just analyzing my problems and coming up with possible solutions, and start trying out some of those ideas. (Tis easy to analyze and come up with theories; but that doesn't seem to help in overcoming the fear and getting it understood on the gut level.)-(I am terribly incongruent.)
3. She says I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, because I chose to allow my life to be ruled by fear. (True.)
4. She thinks I "thrive on rejection". (Probably also true.)
5. She also says I "don't try anything new" and that I "like staying in a rut because it's safer." (True.) (There is so much that I have to work on.)
6. That I am always analyzing the consequences of my actions, and that that leads others to think I don't want to be bothered. (I suppose others often misinterpret my shyness.)
7. That I have to make a lot of changes in myself, or people will never want to be with me. (True.)
8. That I depress everyone whom is around me. (True.)
9. That I upset everyone and spoiled the raft trip for others. (I guess I best stay alone.)
10. That she will never invite me along anywhere, if other people are there. (I can't blame her.)
11. That my divorce rules my life.
I still think the first step, for me, is to find some way to learn to like myself. (I appreciate Erica’s input, but it’s starting to make me feel even worse about myself.)
Tis hot and the bus' air conditioner is broke, but it's kind of nice anyhow. (Windows cranked open, wind in my hair, and music cranked up loud.)
(8pm) We had a long layover in Helena, to get the air conditioner fixed.