Erica, in her latest letter, says the biggest thing she doesn't like about me is that I am analytical. (I do tend to dissect every situation, but that is how my mind works.) (My ex always bitched about my habit of looking at about everything in terms of dollars.) (Tis what I do for a living, and it's hard to shut it off.)-(And, I have never learned how else to think.) (And, for now anyway, I think I need to be analytical in choosing a girlfriend. (I can't afford to get involved with someone who takes more than she gives. (I can't afford to get used again. (I am just beginning to get the financial mess cleaned up from my experience with the last one; and another now could destroy what little stability I have gained! (e.g., one of my bosses is married to a very greedy woman, and is doing some really reckless things, to make enough money to keep her happy. (It could well end up destroying everything, if he isn’t more careful.)))))) (And, to get involved with another man hater would be disastrous. (I still haven’t recovered from the last one.)) (It isn’t very romantic and I suppose it's a lot of why I sleep alone, but I can't take the risk of being harmed anymore now!) (I got so burned by following lust last time; I don't trust it at all.)-(What other ways are there for choosing who to trust and get close to; once you cross lust and analysis off the list?)-(Or is the answer to find some blend between them?)
Another thing that pisses her off about me is that I am not attracted to fat women. (I was fat once and my ex got up around 200 at one time; so I know from experience that fat gets in the way of good sex. (Both physically and psychologically.)) (I have tried just being friends with fat women; but, so far, each time they decided that being nice to them meant I was interested in more than friendship; and led to messy situations.) (What would be the point of a girlfriend that I didn't want to make love with?)-(Sex isn't all of a relationship, but without it as a component of the relationship; there isn’t much there.) (Mostly it has to do with my mom. (She was 5'2" 110 pounds up until she went crazy, and then gains over a hundred pounds. (I have a very deep subconscious connection between the thin, good mother, and the fat, bad mother.)))
Another of her complaints is my habit of stereotyping people. (Maybe I had too many psychology courses in college or something; but I do tend to notice tendencies in people.)-(I try not to let that analysis to effect who I choose for friends; but I do notice them, and I do comment on them.)-(I will have to start checking myself closer to make sure I don't choose friends because of stereotyping. (I know a lot of people had very wrong perceptions of me, in the Paw days, and that was part of why I got shot down every time I asked someone out on a date.))
Samantha said her latest big fight with Leo started over house cleaning. (She was cleaning and Leo started in on her, saying that all she wanted was to get married and be a house frau. She responded with something about not being willing to ever marry him and that she wasn't going to be anyone's house frau. And, on and on it went until it ended with Leo running around the apartment waving a butcher knife. (It all sounds pretty silly to me.))
I think the reason that Cunningham’s wife still gives me shit about dumping my ex is that they are a lot alike. (They both had childhoods where they were abused sexually by family members, bad previous marriages; they are both very insecure women, violent, and super jealous.) (Cunningham’s wife says I should have been more understanding and patient. (I understand a lot of the whys of her behavior and I was patient with her for years; but to have stayed would have been just further masochism.)-(Understanding doesn't make a life of verbal and physical abuse any more bearable; and, at some point, one has to take care of themselves.)-(If anything I stayed too long. (It has been years and I still haven't healed enough to let anyone into my bed.)))