Part of my problem, using Eric Berne's model, would probably tie back to
suppressing my Child aspect for so long. (When I was 14 my mom checked out of life
mentally and I withdrew inside myself and seldom played. (I rarely made friends, as I was
too embarrassed to have them come to my home, and see what a mess my mom was.)-(I started
doing most of the things necessary for taking care of my needs.)-(I focused myself into
studying and sports. (The sports involvement was withdrawal too. (I became the manager for
most of the teams, and that allowed me to spend a lot of time hiding away in equipment
rooms and such.)-(And it allowed me to skip a lot of phys ed classes to do chores for the
coaches; which is why I never learned to play games myself.))))
(10pm) I got a letter today from Hunter. (It sounds like he is doing well. (Good for him.))
Tonite I finished another bunch of letters to send to my pen pals.
7-26-85
(3pm) Twas a boring day.
I wish I could get past the feeling of worthlessness that plaques me so often when I am flat broke. (I know it shouldn't matter, but it still bugs me.) (Given how far in debt I am and my income; I have either got to learn to like myself regardless of what is in my wallet and start going out broke, or else I am going to spend a lot more years alone.)
I sent out some more letters inquiring about jobs in Missoula today.
7-27-85
(10am) I wonder if the suppression of my Child aspect is related to why I have never hallucinated when I have done hallucinogenic drugs?
(3pm) I went by Carrie's, watered the plants, and then cleaned all the leaves. (I do love plants.)
Then I stopped in P C J's and bs'd a bit with Samantha, since she didn't have any customers at the moment.
Then I went to the library and worked on a list of books for Erica. (She had thrown away all the letters I have sent over the years, but commented that she was curious about some of the books I had talked about. (I don't know which one’s perked her interest, so I am trying to come up with a list of all the books I have read in the last few years.))
Sometimes when I go to the library to get books to read I have particular one's in mind; but usually I just wander around in the stacks and take whatever makes me curious. (It has been amazing how often I chose the right book for the moment that way.)
(6pm) Quotes:
Roy Francis, "Sociology in a different key"- "Time cures everything, they say. Heals sad memories. Makes us forget. Sometimes we forget the truth."