I sometimes fret about how I am shortening my life with my drug consumption. (But, a life without wouldn't have as much flavor or depth and my poetry wouldn't have come to be without.) (I think quality of living and the contribution to being is more relevant to quantity of life.) (And I don't consume that much, so I am not doing tremendous amounts of damage.)
I have got one lie I tell people. (I tell almost everyone that I am going to be celebrating thirty months of celibacy this Saturday, but that is stretching things. (Actually there were a couple moments with my lady friend from Helena (Nikki), but no one here knows her so I can get away with that lie.)-(I am only stretching the truth by about six months, but why do I lie about it? (Maybe I am using my long-term celibacy to keep women away and to make myself sound undesirable?)-(I miss the joys of sex, but I suppose I am still too afraid to let anyone get that close to me.))
I did something unusual, for me, yesterday. (Normally I only drink in the bars and I don't keep alcohol at home, but I picked up half a rack of beer and a half-gallon of whisky. (I am finding it harder and harder to justify going out and easier and easier to be a recluse. (All I seem to do when I go out is sit there alone, get drunk, and cry in my beer.)-(I don't meet many people staying homes though.)-(Oh well, this stash will help to make the holidays more bearable.)))
(10pm) I argued with myself all nite, but staying home won out over going out again.
12-7-84
(6pm) Blasé week.
And now, tis laundry time again.
To make it a truly shitty week, my car just died again. (I get real grumpy when I have to haul my laundry a mile to the laundromat on my back. (Bitch, bitch, bitch.))
Another aspect of my celibacy is that I now doubt my ability to please women. (It has been a long time, I am out of practice, and I am uptight. (I used to be pretty good, but who knows how I would be now?))
A lot of people seem to talk about how opposites attract. I would say that is true and often good. (I wouldn't think that people with radically different lifestyles or philosophies would get along well for long, but I know I am an introvert and that I am attracted to women who are extroverts. (I relationship between two introverts would tend to get boring, I feel.))
Another thing I run into, in looking for a girlfriend, is that most women I meet either do a lot more drugs than I, or a lot less. (I enjoy catching a buzz now and then, but I don't have any desire to get totally wasted on a regular basis. (?))
(9pm) I am watching Billy Graham on tv and listening to Tina Turner's new album. (Interesting perspective.) (He reminds me of
Anokye in Lawrence Sanders' book "Tangent Objective"
and of Hitler, a bit. (Not in topic matter, but in terms of body language and being able
to gain control over large crowds. (Shots of the crowd show that most everyone is frozen
and looking as if they are in some kind of hypnotic trance.))) (Is he just after money or
does he get into the power trip too?) (As always, I wonder what it is they don't want us
to hear, when they start thumping so loudly upon the bible.)