I talked to Grace again about my poems and she offered to send them to someone she knows in Nashville. (Keep trying!) (I am not getting my hopes up on that either.) (All the rejection has taken a toll!)
(8pm) Erica stopped by for a bowl and a brew. (Neat!)
Twas nice having someone to celebrate with!
I do need to work on finding a way to stop my unconscious from screwing up relationships and blocking all hopes of a sex life. (First I will work on the simple things though and just try to build new friendships. (I am used to celibacy, the blocks are largest there and I have a lot to learn about simpler forms of communication first. (Sex is about the only social behavior I have done enough to get good at it, and it’s important to learn about other behavior that I am not good at!)))
I also need to work on becoming assertive! (Not being able to initiate relationships, and being unable to communicate who I am, what I feel, and want are major blocks to becoming a social being!)
It would be pretty hard to say or do anything that would give a worse impression than what I give now!
This pattern began when my mom got sick 26 years ago, as a way of coping with that situation, and living with my ex reinforced that. (Twas a defense mechanism that protected me through my mother’s problems and it did help to protect me.)-(Being attacked one to eight hours a day for over eight years led to withdrawing even more and hiding myself.) (Before we were married, all my ex’s experience with adult relationships said that they were about constant fighting. (Adopting patterns from dysfunctional relationships isn’t an answer to anything though, and it would have been even worse if I had fought back. (The only thing positive about fighting back would have been if it had brought the relationship to a quicker end.))) (I need to set a goal of expressing myself and end the hiding, but a relationship that is lots of fights isn’t a good goal.)-(Express myself so people know who I am, and try to find someone who accepts me for who I am and is a friend.) (There is disagreement and conflict in all relationships, and one without any wouldn’t be healthy; but when it’s constant and becomes the core of how two people interact, that isn’t healthy either!)
(10pm) Talking is something that takes time for me. (In the past it always came around eventually. (It just took spending a lot of time in a bar, to get comfortable with the people and the place, and then the anxiety would diminish to a point where I could think again.)-(Pool always helped to speed things up, so I will have to get into that again.))
1-9-91
(6am) My cold is getting worse. (Yech!)
(11am) I decided to stay home and use some of my sick time today.
(2pm) The impacts of a settlement are beginning to come to mind. (I have talked a lot about changing when the money changes, and that time is getting closer. (I have to start coming to grips with my demons!))