I don’t think that the pills are the answer to my problem. (As the doctor said, they merely treat the symptoms, and aren’t a long term solution.)-(He also expressed concern about the potential for becoming addicted to the medication.) (The long-term solution is to force myself into situations that make me uncomfortable now, and break down the phobic reaction through desensitization. (It means placing myself in social settings several times a week, and that requires more energy and money than I have at the moment.))
I sat down and watched the "Shandling show" and "Mad movies" tapes. (What a hoot!)
My dad asked about real estate here, so I am sending him a pamphlet. (I don’t see how I could afford a house, but it’s nice to daydream!) (Danny said he made another offer on that house.)
Erica’s list of movies to tape has a lot more r-rated movies on it than mine. (That is a first!) (I didn’t get around to watching any last month. (Tis easier sometimes just to forget!)-(I suppose that is another indicator that my phobia is getting worse and I am withdrawing more.))
(10pm) I sure love beer! (Yum!)
I sometimes wish I had been able to afford exploring the cocaine lifestyle in the first few years after my divorce. (If I had had money and partied, I would probably have found someone and settled down in a marriage long ago.) (Tis interesting to try that once or twice a year, but by the time I can afford that lifestyle, I will be too old to get into it. (That is definitely a young person’s journey!)) (I would guess that it would relax my attitude towards sex. (I seem to take it all too seriously, and some casual sex might loosen me up.)) (Being able to afford to be a playboy for awhile is a pleasant fantasy! (It would be interesting and fun, but I can’t imagine it really happening.))
I can’t really complain. (For the most part I am still content and I am mostly happy! (It has been an interesting journey and I am enjoying the ride!))
(11pm) I thought my inability to snort cocaine with my right nostril had to do with cigs, but that hasn’t changed. (Oh well, the left one works just fine!)
I am trying to decide whether to send Carrie and Hunter Xmas cards. (Her birthday card came back as undeliverable.)-(I suppose they will let me know their addresses if they want to hear from me.) (I miss Carrie!)
11-7-88
(Midnite) I haven’t been up this late in ages. (Nice!) (Such a wild and crazy guy!)
D O is sure frisky tonite! (Cute!)
(4pm) I slept most of the past 16 hours and I still don’t feel well. (Yucky day!)
(5pm) I still feel shitty! (I didn’t consume much last nite?)
In some ways I am not old and in others I am.
I am a bit frustrated about not getting things done today! (And about wasting a day off being sick!)