Sharon called last nite and bs’d awhile. (She had fun on her trip to Germany, and was exhausted when she got back. (Twas a ten day 1,600 mile bus trip through Germany.)-(She says things are real expensive there and everyone seems to have a lot.)-(She wants me to tape some more music for her.)) (She says Chloe’s beau has moved in with them, as has a nephew. (I can’t imagine living around that many people now!))
There was a show on black magic and Satanism on tv. (Tis really scary!) (I still wonder what happened when my mother and her mother got involved in that.)
(11am) I started printing off poems. (I imagine that noise will get tiresome.)
(4pm) Miranda called. (Erica still doesn’t have a phone, so people call Miranda, she calls me, and I walk over and leave a note for Erica.)
The printer is still going. (It still has a long way to go!)
Tis tricky to figure out how to find someone to love. (About all I know about is how to make it not happen.)-(Looking for love usually doesn’t work. (I think that is because the conscious mind is getting involved in the process, and love is something that happens at the unconscious level. (Another aspect is that when looking doesn’t work, people tend to start getting depressed, desperate, …, and that makes them unattractive. Rather than attracting people they end up pushing people away.)-(Another aspect is that when people are looking, they tend to wear masks and consciously do things they think will attract love; and they end up meeting people their true self can’t love.) (Looking for love gets in the way of finding someone.)))-(Giving up doesn’t work either. (One withdraws and they aren’t putting themselves in situations where love can find them.))-(The answer has to be somewhere in the middle again. (Put oneself in social situations with the goal of being with people, having fun, helping others, enjoying art, ….))
(6pm) It took seven hours to get one copy of "Feelings" printed out. (Tomorrow I will print a second copy.) (Then get back to editing the "Outlaws and Poets" poems and print them off.) (I will have to get another case of paper soon.)
(7pm) Erica stopped by for a bowl and a brew. (Neat!)
(8pm) I ate four x-tops.
Tis nice having a few days off!
(9pm) It has been helpful in the healing process to build platonic relationships with women and learn that spending time with women can be very pleasant. That doesn’t seem to be enough to make me comfortable with sexual relationships though. (Sex changes things a lot, and the potential for pain increases dramatically! (I am just not ready for those risks yet.))
Another puzzle is do I continue staying home until I stop pissing people off, or do I have to go out and piss people off to learn how to avoid pissing people off? (My guess is it is another obnoxious behavior my unconscious manifests to push people away. (I think, if I can come to terms with my phobias, I will not piss people off as often.))