(3pm) I really can’t complain about giving up on spending every nite in the bars. (If I had kept up that pace, I would be in bad shape now, physically.) (Without this time alone and coming to terms with myself, I would still be lost in depression and loneliness. (Continuing on in the bars wouldn’t have done any good. I kept doing things to push women away, unconsciously; and then, consciously, being depressed because I was undesirable and alone. (I was ripping myself apart!))) (Eventually I will have to go back to the bars to meet people.)-(I still have a lot of healing and growing and debts that have to be dealt with first.)
Another puzzle is do I have to beat the phobias alone and then go out, or am I going to have to go out to beat the phobias? (I suppose I am going to have to eventually confront the pain and deal with it, before I will get better.)
(7pm) My holiday is almost over. (Boo!) (Twas nice getting away from work for a few days!)
(8pm) D O made it home. (She has been gone a lot!)
I am fighting tiredness again. (Annoying!)
I suppose being the boring couch potato I have been the last few years is another defense mechanism. (Not many women would find who I have become desirable.)
The craving for cigs is still with me most of the time. (It keeps getting better, but it’s slow!)
I got a lot of headaches from cigs and it’s nice not getting them anymore!
The numbness in my toes when I walk has also disappeared. (Nice!)
Having traumatic experiences in childhood with the parent of the other gender sure makes relationship difficult in adulthood! (It makes it hard to trust and communicate and that makes building a lasting relationship impossible.) (If anyone figures it out, let me know!) (I hope I figure it out enough to build more friendships!)
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice!)
10-11-88
(6am) I am depressed! (Going back to work is a drag!) (Being around people again is harder when I have been away for awhile.)
(7am) I wonder how D O knows which days she can go out in the morning? (All weekend she woke me up and fussed until I let her out. Today she is playing and keeping herself busy rather than crying to be let out.) (Maybe she knows that if I get up before sunrise it’s a stay inside day for her?)
(5pm) Busy day!
I didn’t talk at work today.
I am not smiling at work since I quit cigs and got my teeth cleaned. (I frown all the time now. (I suppose that qualifies as a new obnoxious habit.))