(7pm) Erica keeps telling me that I have to start making first moves if I want women in my life. (We are conditioned in our culture to expect the man to make the first moves, and few women will do it!) (Women who make the first moves offend some guys.)-(And, women have insecurities too and many don’t have strong enough egos to risk the possibility of rejection. (I can relate!)-(I have been shot down so often since my divorce, I expect it. (Tis hard to justify trying when I fail so often!))) (Until I find my way through my problems far enough to make first moves again, I am going to be alone.)-(I suppose it’s conceivable I will find someone else like Carrie, Erica, Samantha and Kate who were willing to make the first moves; but that isn’t something that happens often.) (I will keep looking for the key to unlock that door, but I haven’t found it yet.)
Some things Beth said today made me think I have misperceived again. (Probably so!) (I have never been able to figure out who was interested in me! (I am very dense!)) (She was probably just teasing me a little and being nice and I have over reacted again.) (It always takes me completely by surprise when someone does get interested! (Getting laid is always a major surprise to me!))
I got a letter from Samantha today. (It sounds like she is doing well! (Good for her!))
(8pm) Maybe I should get a button to wear to bars that says, "I am dense"? (Or maybe one that says "Too nice to fuck"?)-(Cut out the worries and skip right to the platonic relationships.)
(9pm) Even if I could get up whatever it is that is necessary to chase someone, who would I chase? (There is no one who I am really excited about now.)
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice!)
9-14-88
(7am) Nice workout!
(5pm) Busy day!
Beth was asking questions about sex in general today. (Rather than talk, I told her to go to the library and check out Masters and Johnson’s book "On sex and human loving".)
Tis amazing how much one discovers in moving. (That is why I like going through boxes every now and then. (Walk down memory lane and see what I have that I have forgotten I have.))
I guess I am totally incapable of first moves. (With Sharon I was a little assertive when she came over and I used to call her now and then. (I just wasn’t interested enough in her to continue that relationship any longer.)) (Still, she had to make the first moves initially and make it clear she wanted more than friendship.) (If I meet someone who really interests me, and she makes it clear she is interested in me, I will be ok. (The trick is meeting her and her being willing to make the initial first moves, so it’s clear she is interested.))
I told Linda a couple weeks ago I wanted to get a haircut and to let me know when she had time, but I haven’t heard anything from her. (Maybe she spaced me off?) (I will have to remind her, next time I see her.)