(6pm) I still think that my unconscious is keeping a girlfriend out of my life by causing me to be attracted to women who aren’t interested, and causing me to not be attracted to women who are attracted to me; but it isn’t relevant. (It means I am not ready for a relationship.)-(Even if I could chase, chasing women I am not attracted to seems pointless.) (I have come a long way, but I have barely even begun!) (Even if I never figure it out, I can’t complain. (I have got a good job, food, shelter, entertainment at home, transportation, and friends.))
One change in Erica I have noticed in the past month is she has started wearing low cut and tight tops more often. (Yum!)
(7pm) Carly and Ross stopped by and dropped off a blank tape, so I am making a music tape for them.
They were surprised that I had to look up Erica’s phone number. (I rarely call anyone, except at work. (Maybe the practice I get using the phone at work will eventually carry over to my personal life? (Oh well, more practice and patience!)))
Carly says she has decided she wants to go to an ice cream school in Pennsylvania, and then open up a specialty ice cream store. (She says she doesn’t think it would be fun work, but figures she could make a lot of money.)
I think the experience with Sharon was good for me, but I don’t think continuing would be good. (It showed me I can still function ok, as long as the woman makes the first moves)-(Also I did eventually become comfortable with being a little aggressive with her; so I am not impotent and I am able to become assertive with a little encouragement.)-(Twas nice getting a little encouragement after all the years of being too nice to fuck, over the hill, …!) (But, she seems to be getting serious and is upset that I am not chasing her and asking for more.)
There is nothing on tv tonite, so I am listening to music and writing. (Pleasant!)
Tis a drag being out of smoke! (Oh well, patience!) (Maybe I will remember some dreams.)
Erica says she had an accident yesterday. (I think part of why a lot of bad things happen all at once is that there is an emotional storm going on inside that distracts the person. (I know most of my accidents have come during times when an emotional storm was raging. (That is why now I become still and ride them out when they hit. (I know if I try to act then, I will fuck something up!)))) (I don’t know why, but breathing exercises do help to still the storm.) (Drugs sometimes deaden the pain, but they can also cause emotional storms to intensify. (I have written my blackest poetry at those times.))
Erica has been putting herself down lately. (That is real unusual for her!) (I hope her black time passes quickly!)
(8pm) I am glad I don’t have many black times anymore, and that they don’t last long when they do come around!
Horniness, on the other hand, still has my address. (Tis time to go visit Rosie!) (What would I do without hands? (The right one satisfies my need for emotional intimacy through writing and the left one satisfies my need for physical intimacy.))