Maddie wanted to know if I was going to the reggae show downtown tonite. (I am not into going out anymore.)
8-18-88
(7am) I am feeling a bit blue today. (Oh well, it will pass!)
(6pm) Erica stopped by to pick up some boxes for her move.
Erica says they took my idea about hiding Linda’s car, so Paul wouldn’t find out she was at the bar; but she told him where they were hiding it. (?)
She commented again that my cigs are obnoxious. (They are my primary lines of defense!)
I am not aggressive at all. (Being unable to deal with making any kind of first moves leaves me totally dependent on others to initiate contact.) (Another great defense mechanism!)
Being pitiful is another defense mechanism! (That is the only one that has diminished much. (I am mostly happy now, instead of mostly sad.))-(Then again, I am avoiding situations that trigger my anxiety attacks. (Maybe that defense mechanism would return if I was still going out?))
The anxiety attacks triggered by thinking about going out are more than I can cope with now. (Keep collecting mostly good experiences with women, work on being around people at work, keep walking, keep working out, …; and hopefully I will get there someday.)
(7pm) My sister called and bs’d awhile. (She says she went to a chiropractor to see if he could help with her carpal tunnel syndrome. He told her there is a pinched nerve in her neck, which is causing it. She has only been going a few weeks, but she says it seems better. (Good for her!)) (It sounds like Taylor is going through a really though time. (The stress of going through being pg and a divorce at the same time would be hell!)-(In the last two months she has gotten two dui’s, been thrown into an alcohol treatment center, lost her job, and she has to go to jail on the second dui as soon as she gives birth. (I started drinking heavy two years before my divorce and continued until two years afterwards. (I am real lucky I didn’t get a dui! (Being poor and walking to the bar for years now is what saved me!)))-(Alcohol can be a way to escape the pain of the emotional storm, for awhile; but it also tends to make it all a lot worse over time.)-(I wonder if it’s a time of healing or a time of hiding? (Maybe both?))-(Taylor needs to give it up for now. The emotional storms she is going through are being made worse by the booze. And, she has to start thinking about the baby!))
(8pm) A woman called looking for Erica.
(9pm) I didn’t mind the Bozeman trip because of the women I went with. (It seems silly to spend money on this software, when they plan on scrapping it when the Judge leaves.) (Twas an interesting trip. (I got practice being with women and heard some new stories.))
Erica gave an indoor tree to Miranda to store for awhile. (For whatever reason Miranda put it out by the garage and it was dying. Erica took it back and brought it here. (Tis doing great now! (Other than flowering plants, I do well with plants.)-(They brighten my life much!)))
I wrote a couple of poems at work today. (It has been a long time!)