(8pm) Erica stopped by for a visit. (She brought along whisky, money, a letter and some diskettes. (Those will all come in real handy!) (I am so lucky!))
(10pm) Erica appears to be a little angry with me again. (I have never had a friendship last this long before, and I am amazed she didn't kick me out of her life years ago.)
I do take risks, but what I consider risky doesn't fit what most others consider risky. (e.g., Tis very painful to think about going out, and it’s even more painful to get cleaned up and get ready to go out. (Even if I don't make it out the door I have taken a risk and endured pain.)) (Tis hard for others to comprehend that. (Unless you have experienced it, it just seems funny.))
Erica says Miranda is getting out a lot. (I wish I could! (I guess I did make it out every nite for a long time. (It has been so long that I tend to forget about that time.))) (It sounds like Miranda has had much better luck finding lovers than I have. (Maybe someday I will overcome my aversion and find some good luck. (Or, should I say "good fuck"?)))
Little pieces of my childhood memories are still creeping back into consciousness.
Sharon has been calling about once a month, but I haven't seen her in ages. (I am into my seventh month of celibacy again.)
I do need to find something to motivate me. (What does it take to endure the pain and break down the walls? (When I get a job I could treat myself to one album a month, if I do all the social things I assign myself during the month. (That is a lot of pain to endure for just one album.)))
I would be sad if Erica stopped coming by. (Maybe I could tell her to stop by only if I have done everything on my therapy list. (I have suggested similar ideas to her in the past and she wasn't interested, so I might be better off not suggesting that idea to her.))
Tis easy to just continue on down the road I am traveling. (I am happy and content with how things are now.) (How does one move on, when the grass is green where you are, and the road ahead is rocky and dangerous?)
My phobic reaction to making friends is similar to paranoia, but not quite. (I know that my fear is irrational, but that doesn't make it go away.) (I will keep trying!) (If it were paranoia, I wouldn't enjoy the company of most others, once they initiate the interaction.) (Also, I have problems trusting others, and I suppose that is a lot like paranoia.)
I have managed to get to the point where I can start conversations during soak and sweat time, which I once couldn't do. (With time and practice I will break down the phobias that block me from making the first moves in more and more settings. (I know that doing it at the Club sounds trivial to most, but to me it's a major break through.))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice!)
11-20-87
(7am) Phobic reactions do look a little like paranoia, when it's of social and sexual situations. (e.g., not being comfortable around women until I am sure they are totally turned off by me.)