(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
10-30-87
(5am) Well, staying up late helped me to sleep an hour later. (That is a start.)
I think I did need to take a break from writing for two reasons:
1. I have burned up a lot of energy and needed a rest.
2. Tis time, like the shrink said, to shift focus. (I have regained a lot of memories and have defined pretty well what has happened and why, and it's time to change to implementing a plan of therapy to start breaking down the phobias.)
Tis nice knowing better the why of it all. (I went for so long worrying about why I was undesirable and why everyone was rejecting me, and being depressed and feeling sorry for myself about all that; and I have pretty much got that puzzle solved now. (I did it to myself, by unplugging or plugging in backwards everything that has to do with being desirable and being open for sexual chemistry.))
The shrink wanted to know why I want to change when I am content and mostly happy now. What I can come up with is:
1. My writing aspect is aware I have about explored this road as far as I can now, and to continue will mean mostly writing the same stories over and over again.
2. My business aspect would like some interesting jobs, and who I am now isn't likely to find one.
3. I am tired of poverty, and, the phobias get in the way of making money.
4. I enjoy friends and it would be nice to begin spending more time with people.
5. I enjoy sex and it would be nice to build a relationship.
(I am content and mostly happy with now; but, I think, once I get past the pain involved in breaking down the phobias and learning what I need to, there is a possibility of greater contentment and happiness with friends and lovers in my life.)
Thinking back, when I have asked Erica to assign me bars to go to and times to go there, I was on the right track. (That is the sort of thing the shrink says I need to do in the desensitization process. (Tis just a question of whether I make the assignments and reward myself, or have someone else help me with that.)) (I had the wrong reasons for asking her that, but it fits what I need to be doing.) (Looking back, there were a lot of things I had the wrong conscious reasons for doing, but they were exactly what I needed to be doing.)
I am not happy with the direction the shrink deal is going. (Tis going to cost me a lot of money to work through this process of desensitization, if I use him to come up with tasks for me to do and reporting to him.) (Twas good to get some feedback in completing my diagnosis and outlining my therapy from here; but I think I can push myself through the process on my own.)
(7am) Another reason for starting slow when I first enter the single scene here is to give myself time to learn the players. (Every honky tonk I have ever wandered into was a mini-soap opera, and I need to figure out the story line before I do too much of anything else.)
(9am) Tis nice having coffee again.
(Noon) Nice massage.