(11pm) Erica and Gwynn stopped by and we hiked up to the M. (That is a good workout.) (Afterwards we went downtown to a new bar that has opened, had a couple brews and visited some more. Then we all went over to Miranda's beau Danny's house and checked out the stars through his telescope (That was neat.)-(The stars are beautiful.)-(I will have to get back into the nite again someday.), had some delish dinner (Miranda is a great cook.)-(So is Erica.), and a nice visit.) (I do love their companionship!) (Wonderful day!)
Erica commented that I do seem to experience too much guilt to be a sexual person. (Yeah, along with a lot of other emotions.) (I have to find some way to desensitize myself to them before I will be able to join the human race.) (In the mean time, I learn how to please and satisfy myself, and I think that is good for me to know.)
She also commented that I am too self-conscious for something like aerobic dance classes. (My everyday self is.) (That is why I try to coax out my sexual aspect, when it's time to dance. (He isn’t at all self-conscious.))
She commented that I was a good friend; but I still think my emotions get in the way and that I could be a much better one. (I try not to let others notice; but I spend a lot of time calming myself and coping when I am in social settings, and that keeps me from being fun to be with. (I seem to be getting better at it, and it gets in the way less than in the past; but I still have much pain to endure.)) (Tis an interesting puzzle.)
10-12-87
(8am) Miranda was the only one yesterday who commented about my hair cut, so it must not be too much of a change.
Another advantage I see in long-term celibacy, if I do find another lover, is that comparing her to no lover is better than comparing her to my ex. (e.g., if I had had to go from sex a couple times a day to two or three times a week, I would probably have been disappointed; but compared to no sex life, any would be a joy!) (e.g., my ex liked all sorts of sexual experiences and we had a very imaginative sex life, and she enjoyed fucking for hours at a time. From what I have read and experienced, I am not likely to find someone like that again. (I would guess that might have been part of why I generated jealousy in Sharon. (She never knew me well enough to know how often I get horny; but she did know that when she had had enough, I was just warming up, and that I am into oral sex which she wasn't.))) (I will have to remember to make it clear to my future lovers that I am content with however often, how long, and what kinds of sex, they want from me. (Give them their pleasure, and then take care of the rest of my needs myself.))
Maybe one way to begin desensitizing myself would be to get into horror flicks for awhile? (My fear overwhelms me during any good one, and I fast forward through a lot of the scenes; so that is a way to induce a level of emotional reaction I can't deal with now. (Make myself sit and watch them, until I have control of all my emotions in that situation; and then look for something more fear evoking to work on after that.)) (Maybe the purpose of horror stories is to induce fear and give people an opportunity to experience that emotion in a safe setting? (That way people can come to terms with terror, so that if fear strikes them in life they can deal with it better.))
(10am) I am still really into putting oil on my skin. (Sun tanning weather has passed, but my skin is still dry from this summer.) (Neat sensation. (My sexual aspect loves it.)) (There are neat parts to letting my feminine aspect out.)