In her last letter, one of Carrie's complaints about me was my habit of telling all the stories I hear, and about my experiences, in my letters to her. (I recognize that to send "Outlaws and Poets" to a publisher, in anywhere near it's current form, would be bad, and I won't do it.) (When I tell stories to people other than Erica and Carrie (now just Erica); I abstract it, so it doesn't hurt anyone. (If a story can't be told in a form where no one is hurt, and only positive things come from telling it; I have to avoid telling them. (That is the gift in her letter.))) (Everyone needs someone in their lives with whom they can share and talk; and writing to Erica and Carrie has been how I have satisfied that need of mine.)
She also commented about being sick of hearing about all the mundane parts of my life. (Letters to her and Erica were how I fulfilled my need for emotional intimacy, and the mundane is a lot of what life is about, and a lot of what is involved in emotional intimacy. (In fact, we may have more need for the acceptance of another, when our lives are mundane, than when they are exciting.)) (Maybe the real complaint there was that she was comparing her letters with the additions to "Outlaws and Poets" from Erica's, and realized I say more to Erica? (Erica and I have a continuing dialogue, and it's a lot easier for me to write responses to a dialogue than going on and on with a monologue.))
Her guess as to why I told that story to Hunter was that it was to say how well I knew her. (That is a crock of shit. (If I thought there were any hope to ever really know her, she wouldn't fascinate me so much. (Spending time with her was fun because she had so many different and diverse aspects.)-(Being with her and my other women friends is like being in a kaleidoscope or a symphony. (Tis a beautiful experience for me, mostly, and I have even learned from the sad moments it has brought me; and it is why I enjoy them as fellow human beings!))))
(1pm) I wonder how much more intense my experience of emotions is than most? (Maybe my sex drive is reflective? (From surveys I have read about, the norm seems to be about two to three times a week, and I would like sex 15 to 20 times a week; so my sex drive is about seven times greater than average.)) (Interesting puzzle.) (Given my higher sex drive, one way long term celibacy has been good is that it taught me to be content and mostly happy with taking care of my own sexual needs. (Even if I had a girlfriend now, it's likely that I would still have to take care of most of my own sexual needs. (It would either be that or have a lot of lovers.))-(I still think it would be helpful for her to know that I don't mind taking care of most of my sexual needs myself, so she isn’t constantly wondering about what I am doing with my horniness that she won't satisfy.)) (Given my higher sex drive, I think first moves are something I will always have a problem with. (If I made a move every time I got horny, I would be an annoyance.)-(Not making them at all isn't a good answer though. If I find a girlfriend I will need to learn her moods and patterns well enough so I make moves on her when she needs me to.)-(I am content with fantasy and taking care of my own sexual needs, and could be satisfied with one lover; but women who meet that part of me seem to have trouble believing I am. (Maybe I worry too much about jealousy, but, after my ex, I have had my fill of that emotion.))) (Being blocked sexually has been frustrating, and sometimes depressing; but it's helped to teach me what I needed to learn about myself and life, and needed to happen before I could consider another sexual relationship. (e.g., before my next relationship, I needed to learn to not be in one just to get laid.)) (My unconscious mind seems to know what I need to learn at different points in my life, and how to make me learn it. (I hope!))