I suppose that saying I am not ruled by lust is deceiving myself. (I would guess that lust is part of the anxiety I experience in bars, and it's a lot of why I stay home. (I have just switched from it keeping me in a relationship I needed to get out of, to keeping me out of all relationships I need to get into.)) (I am better than I once was, but my emotions are still getting in the way and fucking up my life.)
Since I have noticed that desensitizing myself to one emotion seems to reduce the level of all emotions, maybe I need to work with a few of them, rather than going through some separate desensitization process for each? (That would be a lot faster.)
I have sure seen a lot of people mess up their lives by getting greedy! (I know it sure fucked up my life, when I let it get to me.)
I feel guilty sometimes about not having a job now and being poor; but I sense that, in the future, my financial situation will turn around, and now is what I need to be doing to get there. (I have lots of conscious excuses for who I am now, any of which I could prove invalid; but, underlying them is the gut feeling that what is now, is what I needed to experience now. (And, there is also an awareness that it's a developmental stage, not a permanent lifestyle. (e.g., the financial, social, sexual, …, problems in my life all seem to have had, as some of their roots, not liking myself, not being in better control of my emotions, having aspects of myself which are blocked off, …; and the experiences of the last three years have provided the proper setting to help identify those underlying problems.))) (The person who leaves this hermitage will make more money than the one who entered it.)
I think all the changes I keep going through is part of why I get along with women who have developed a lot of aspects. (Anyone who had a limited view of life, wouldn't be able to relate to me. (And, wouldn't be able to accept my changes.)) (With someone who changes and is trying to grow, relationship contracts have to constantly change in order to fit the evolving individuals within them. (For me to keep changing and maintain long term relationships, I have to build them with people who are open to and encourage change, and who can accept my evolution.))
I suppose I shouldn't say I have no seduction aspect. (I have read a lot on sexual chemistry and such, seen lots of movies and read lots of books where seduction was a part of the story, and watched others in bars; so there is knowledge of that part of life tucked away somewhere in my unconscious mind. I have just never gone out and practiced it so that aspect becomes fully developed. (Actually, if anything, I have used that knowledge in reverse, as a way of blocking the possibility of sexuality. (I still think I will have to gain greater control of my emotions and grow some more, before I develop that aspect, and that my first goal should be developing more play aspects and releasing the play aspects I have already built. (I would say turning off my play aspects and not building more is one of the walls of the prison that holds my sexual aspect.))))
Turning women off and pissing them off seem to be things I am pretty good at. (Another wall of my sexual aspect's prison.)
I have been using the example of guilt as why I avoid sex; but there are a lot of different emotions involved there. (e.g., fear of another man hater.)-(e.g., fear of catching something the Dr. can't cure.) (I don't think any of those feelings are inappropriate to the situation, but the intensity of the emotions I am experiencing is inappropriate, and that is the problem. (e.g., there are lots of reasons to be careful in choosing lovers, but the intensity of my emotions has led me to be far too picky.))