10-11-87
(6am) Maybe I should stop playing guessing games? (They amuse me and keep my mind busy; but I recognize that is all it is, and that I have to let others clarify what they are telling me, rather than guessing at their meanings. (Tis useful to keep my mind busy and to practice using my imagination, and usually produces a more interesting story line than my reality; but it's useless in relationships because I end up with all sorts of guesses, none of which may even come close to reality. (Let people define themselves to me.))) (I think the key to continuing to play guessing games is to accept that I am usually wrong; and that it's just a way to occupy my time, amuse myself, exercise my imagination, and a clue to what aspects I am repressing.)
I don't expect my current lifestyle to be any more reflective of who I will be five years from now, than it is of who I was five years ago. (I think someone like Sharon would get in the way of that growth. (It would be hard to become social and develop more play aspects with her.))
I think if I go through a time of desensitizing myself to my guilt of using women, I need to figure out how to spot which women just want to use me, and study that part of life with them. (To use someone who is looking for a husband (e.g., Sharon) would cause pain, and I don't think my growth should hurt others if I can avoid it.)
Although I need to get around to building some relationships that are sexual, I am not looking for a wife right now. (Given who I am now, there will be few and they will tend to be longer term relationships than one nite stands; but I still have too many changes to go through to lock myself into a marriage now. (Like I told Nikki, I want to get back to sexual relationships but I am not sure the marriage contract will come close to the contract I will have with any of the women in my future.)) (I still think sexual relationships should have a contract of some kind that the parties to it consciously agree to, if it's more than just a fling. If it isn’t done, each draws up their own in their minds; and that sets them up to experience betrayal more easily. (i.e., they aren't both completely clear as to what the other expects of them. (e.g., in the contract my ex had in her head for our relationship, looking at other women (in person, on tv, in movies, …) was infidelity; and every time I did it, we went through the whole scenario of betrayal they talk about in "Love me".))) (I tend to think that non-sexual relationships don't require defining the contract, as the lack of physical bonding tends to reduce the reaction to betrayal. (They will violate the contract the other has in their minds for the relationship sometimes, out of ignorance; but it tends not to cause as violent a reaction.))
Maybe it shouldn't, but it still annoys me when people lie to get laid. (e.g., Nikki's current affair. (She has been through all this so many times and been hurt so often, I would think she would see it. (She gets involved with a married man, they say their finances (or kids)-(or business)-(or …) will take a year or two to straighten out before they can get a divorce and marry her. They have an affair for a year or two; the guy keeps making up excuses for waiting longer. She gets pissed and calls his wife to hurry things along and the whole thing eventually dissolves into nothingness. (Maybe she likes that drama? (If she wants that lifestyle, I think she should accept it instead of setting herself up to be hurt over and over.))))) (Although it annoys me, I can relate. (My affair with her was brief and I never promised her anything but the moment. (Despite that, she wanted to marry me (still may), and ended up being hurt by it all.))) (Maybe it would be good for me to practice and learn to lie to get my dick wet? (That would intensify the guilt feelings I experience about fucking around, but maybe it would help to desensitize me?))