She also responded to my perception about how Bukowski talks a lot about women whom, he felt, wanted to be raped. (She saw the same thing, and attributes it to male perspective. (That isn’t totally it though.)) (There are women who are that way. (e.g., my ex put me down several times because I never raped her. (I think, in some cases, that it's something that grows out of being raped by male family members during childhood. (Another factor, in my ex feeling that way seemed to be that all the women in her family were very much of the opinion that a woman's primary function in life was sex, and that once their looks went, they were worthless. (I got the feeling that, in some twisted way, she felt that if her man wasn't so overwhelmed by desire for her body that he would rape her now and then, her looks were going (or gone), and she was becoming worthless.))))) (I can believe that Bukowski has met women who do want to be raped. (The way in which it’s an outgrowth of the male perspective though is that men and/or women in their childhood held that perspective. (That perspective began the conditioning and patterning which brought them to believe in adulthood that that is something to look for in the men they become involved with.))) (Erica's response on that perception of mine was that those women don't like themselves very much, and I think that is valid too.)
I believe that Erica has complained so much about my behaviors out of love and wanting to help me change them, so that I am a better and wholer human being; but they have been a part of why I am such a hermit now. (It brought me to feel my behavior was such that I was better off alone, so that I didn't spoil the fun of other people anymore.) (I have no regrets though, and I think that this time of being a hermit has helped me to become better. (e.g., getting in shape physically, learning to like myself more and enjoying my own company, my attitude changing in social settings to mostly happy instead of mostly sad, ….) (And, if I do find my way back to being more social, I think I will be someone, who is capable of being a better friend to the people I meet, than I have been!))
(11pm) Enough typing for today. (Fried brain time again.)
Another element of my current relationships being all I can deal with now is my writing. (Meeting women and building relationships requires large investments of time and energy (and money is helpful.), and I just don't have any to spare now.) (My gut feeling is that writing needs to be my first priority now, but maybe that is just another excuse?) (Besides the time and energy required by meeting women and building relationships, I would first have to go through a therapy program of some sort to conquer my fears and come to terms with my own sexuality. (I would also need to go through some form of training program to learn the skills necessary for meeting women and building relationships.))
9-15-87
(7am) Since, in my opinion anyway, emotional intimacy is a far more important factor in building a long term relationship than the physical; I have suggested to Carrie that maybe she drop her pattern of choosing good looking, dumb, jealous men, and look for someone with whom there is more than just the physical. (Look for someone she can relate to intellectually as well as physically, and who will allow her the space she will need to grow and attain all the potential she is capable of.)
(3pm) Time for a typing break.
(4pm) Nice walk.
(7pm) Time for a typing break.