8-27-87

(7am) One thing that struck me while I was waiting for sleep last nite was that a lot of the things Morris called symbolic intimacy are things that I think of as defense mechanisms. (e.g., he commented about how people alone tend to touch themselves a lot unconsciously, and that behavior like crossing legs is a way people take care of their need for physical intimacy. (I see crossing the legs and such as closed body language, and others usually read them as "stay away". (Maybe it's both? (People who manage to open their body language up are accepting their need for another and a tender touch, rather than continuing to stimulate themselves.)-(Interesting puzzle.)-(I would say that open body language is one of the behaviors that go with the state of "love readiness" that "On sex" talks about. (I think they are right that there is some state of mind and behaviors, which correlate highly with a person who is ready for love.)-(And that it isn’t even close to my current attitude and behavior.))))) (e.g., cigs are a way of getting some sensory input that substitutes for physical intimacy. (The ritual of smoking, rolling them around between my fingers and playing with them (It reminds me of the sensations I receive in my fingers during love making.), the stimulation of the lips (A little like kissing.), watching the smoke, …; make it a highly sensual experience.))-(Tis also a defense mechanism though. (The smell and smoke keep a lot of women at a distance, and holding a burning cig increases the amount of personal space one needs, and blocks physical intimacy and spontaneity. (There are women who don't mind them and even some that are turned on by them; but if one were really ready for love, quitting cigs would improve the odds of finding it.)-(And, maybe without the physical stimulation of them, one would think more seriously about finding it?))-(Again it's probably both. (A way to say I am not ready for physical intimacy and I need to keep people at a distance; and a way to fulfill the needs for sensual experiences, which aren't available because I am not ready for satisfying that need through a relationship with a woman.))))

After I got the job with the County four years ago, a few people commented to me that it seemed as though I had had more money while I was unemployed. (Actually my spendable budget was about the same; and what happened was I changed my priorities for spending it and I stopped going out broke. (I am glad I changed my priorities, but I am still unsure as to why I gave up going out broke. (Maybe it was simply that my role, in my mind, changed from poet to accountant?)-(Maybe it was because I lost the defense mechanism of telling everyone and myself that I would be moving to find work, and therefore didn't want to get involved in a relationship?)-(Maybe because having a job and a pay check might make me more desirable than being unemployed and broke, even though there still wasn't much for play. (As Carrie always said, if I had found a girlfriend who made about the same amount of money as I was (not a difficult task), between us we could have had a pleasant life. (Nothing extravagant, but it would have worked out, unless she wanted to be rich.))))) (Another interesting puzzle.)

What would I do without all these puzzles to keep my mind occupied?

What would I do without Erica and Carrie to share with?

It won't be long until I need to type up another addition from Erica's letters. (I have sure been prolific lately.)

Note from the ozone: I wonder if all the cycles there are in life are running as a kind of looped tape of learning material? (Lessons we need to learn here, that keep playing over and over again, for each new generation to experience.)

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