Maybe I am wrong about my ex dictating much of that last letter; but that is her style and I am not going to open myself up to more pain! (She is a taker and a user, and she uses kids to take from others!) (I can understand a lot of why she is who she is and can empathize; but she has abused me too often for me to take any more shit off of her!)
(7pm) Until I work through all the fears and hostility that grew out of my marriage, I don't think I have any business considering sexuality or relationships! (I know all the hostility that is surfacing right now isn't good, but I think I have to face it before I can move forward.)
Since behavior is a good reflection of what one wants, I would say what I want to do is to be alone and not play.
(8pm) When my intuition is always wrong and I am out of touch with my emotions; I would get ripped to pieces out on the streets.
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
7-2-87
(11am) Laundry time again.
I am enjoying letting myself be hostile and expressing my anger! (Hopefully by expressing them, I will move past them?)
It would be nice to be able to play and to be a sexual being again; but some part of me won't allow it. (Maybe it's all self-hate?) (Maybe it's quilt and feeling I don't deserve good things?) (Maybe it's fear of the risks involved in opening myself up to those parts of life?) (Maybe it's all fear of sex?) (Or, who knows what?) (Regardless of why, I am incapable of it now! (Maybe someday?))
Sometimes I feel I should sell everything and give it to my ex. (I was down to nothing five years ago and I have survived.) (I just enjoy what little I have, and don't want to go back through it all again.) (And, lots of people have told me I was stupid for having done it then.) (I have paid out $36,000 on the divorce decree in the last five years, so I suppose I shouldn't feel too bad; but the legal system says that isn’t enough.) (Oh well.)
I sent out some more job applications today. (Keep trying.)
(1pm) I am sure there are neutral ways to see my kids (e.g., I could drive over and leave my truck at Samantha's, hitch out to their place, visit a couple hours, and then hitch back to Samantha's.), but how would I insure it remained neutral? (How would I insure, once I opened the door that they would never come here for a visit?)
(3pm) Nice walk.
(8pm) Thinking back to my marriage and comparing it to now is quite a contrast! (Then was hell and now is heaven! (No wonder I never let women close!))
(10pm) I know most women wouldn't abuse me the way my ex did. (The trick is to find a way to trust myself not to choose women like that again.) (But how do I accept that on the gut level? (And, how do I learn to trust my instincts to lead me to a relationship that is positive?))