5-18-87
(9am) The thought keeps coming back to me that my feelings for Erica are just another of my defense mechanisms. (I have known for years that it was hopeless to dream about her and I being more than friends, but it kept all the other women in my life at a distance.) (Carrie commented once that it was just another example of my masochism; but I think it's just that I haven't been ready for a sexual relationship, and I have been hiding behind Erica. (I am a better man for the experience, and having a friend as wonderful as her has been very positive for me! (I have no regrets!)))
One of the reasons I think I have gotten into sun tanning is that it's a time of letting my mind go blank. (Listen to music and bake in the sun. (Nice!))
(Noon) In going back through the first draft of "Outlaws and poets", I find that I have written to Erica at least three times before, about my feelings for her. (And, each time she said what I had known she would say. (Yet, each time, I kept right on dreaming, and failed to move on. (Oh well.)))
Working on "Outlaws and poets" has reminded me of how nice it was to have friends to party with. (But, I think I took too much from them, was dependent, depressed them a lot of times, …. (I am not good enough yet, to deserve friends!)) (Stay alone and keep trying to grow; and, maybe, someday I will be good enough!)
(2pm) Well, I finished going through the first draft, and writing Erica back into "Outlaws and poets". (The first two phases of this project have gone a lot faster than I thought they would. (Working with a word processor has made things go a lot faster than I had imagined.))
(4pm) Nice workout.
(6pm) Nice sun tanning session.
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
5-19-87
(1pm) I decided to take a day off from "Outlaws and poets", and catch up on my reading in accounting.
(4pm) Well, I caught up on all my reading. (Such fun.)
I printed off the current version of "Outlaws and poets" last nite, so I can proof what I have got done.