11-10-86
(1am) Quiet nite.
(10am) Brr!
(1pm) Nice workout.
(5pm) Nice walk. (I have started cutting back on that a bit. (I had gotten up to about eight to ten miles a day.))
Tis nice having pen pals to write to.
(11pm) Erica stopped by, visited, and watched tv with me for an hour. (Nice.)
Tis nice getting the senses of smell and taste back. (Hopefully I will be able to stay off the cigs.)
Working out has been making me feel better too.
I seem to be more relaxed of late and the shakes aren't as severe as they were.
I am still totally lost when it comes to sexuality. (Just keep pondering it until I unravel that puzzle. (It must not be that hard or so many others wouldn't have figured it out.)) (Maybe I just need to accept that I am only good at building friendships with women, and forget about lovers? (Is the frustration of being untouchable worse than being alone all the time? (Alone is simpler and less frustrating, but it also makes for a somewhat boring life.)))
I think the answer to dates, if I ever go on any, is to just act like I do with my friends. (Being me is all I know.) (Maybe I am supposed to be aggressive and seductive, but I don't know that part.) (Play out the role I am comfortable with.)
Tis weird, but I don't decide the where and when in writing poetry. (It comes when it wants and I either jot them down or they are lost.) (I think so many came to me in the bars because of the altered state I am in there and because a lot of them come from listening to other people's stories.) (Not many are coming around of late though?) (I’m still pondering on whether sharing them with women was a part of why my luck was so bad back in the bar days. (Lots of women said they liked them and wanted copies, but maybe that set up my relationships with those women in a context that didn't allow room for romance?))
11-11-86
(Midnite) I kinda like this new furniture arrangement.
(1am) I got kind of lazy in Bozeman, because I had lots of friends to occupy my spare time and to play with. (Now my only friend is Erica, and she is too busy to be someone to party with very much or very often.) (One of these nites I will have to get back out on the streets and start collecting some new drinking buddies, but the craving just isn't there right now. (I am kind of enjoying this time of solitude.))
(10am) According to the newspaper the Hat is going to close down. (I will have to find a new hangout.)