She commented that there are lots of married women and such who are looking for someone to play with now and then. (I know lots who do. (They have just never perceived me as someone to play with. (Again, I have to change my attitude and behavior, so that perception changes in the future.))) (I saw a good comedy special on ShowTime that featured Elaine Boosler. (In one of her bits she comments on how books say to tell your lover what you want. Then she says something like, "How do you tell him you want someone else for one nite? If you want to please me, leave." (Maybe it would be good if everyone did someone different, now and then?)))
Erica agrees that lying might be a better defense mechanism than withdrawal, for me. (I will have to experiment with that.)
She says there is something in my eyes: "I see fear and some bitterness, but I really can't place it all." (I wonder if working on changing my attitudes and behaviors will change that? (If not, it's going to be useless to change.))
(5pm) Nice walk.
I am sure getting good at entertaining myself.
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv and reading.
10-18-86
(2am) I went down to the Hat after they stopped collecting a cover charge and pissed away the last of my play budget. (There is something about live music that I really love.)
One new fantasy I have deals with married women at the Club. (Someday I suppose I should stop fantasizing and start doing.)
The moon is pretty tonite.
(11am) Laundry day again.
Tis frustrating to have come this far in life and still not possess the most fundamental of social skills. (I did it to myself by withdrawing from living.)
(5pm) Nice walk.
10-19-86
(Midnite) Quiet nite of tv.
Now I think I will read.
(6pm) Erica stopped by and said hi. (Nice.)
Wouldn't another defense, besides lying, be to just not talk about myself?