Back to cocaine:
1. I know a lot of times my women friends have spent time with men only because of cocaine and not because they wanted to be with the fellow. (Maybe that is a bad way to get time with women, but it did bring those men the companionship and lots of fun times with the neatest women I know. (And, sometimes it brought them some good loving.)) (If cocaine brings fun times, the companionship of neat women, and maybe some loving; it's better than what I am doing now.)
2. Those same women spent time with me without and we had some fun times; but there were a lot more fun times I only heard about because I didn't have it. (And, I didn't find any lovers.) (?)
Erica commented that she spends time with different men, depending on her mood. (I guess what I am trying to say is I would like to be someone women go to see when they want to have fun and play, and when they want to find a lover. (Tis nice being friends, and I have enjoyed the times I have had with my women friends; but I need lovers too!))
Erica also commented that women go for guys who are confident. (How do I feel confident about my desirability when it has been years since anyone wanted me?) (And, how do I feel confident with seduction when I don't have any idea what I am doing?) (Another catch 22. (You don't find lovers until you are confident, but it's hard to be confident when you never find any.)) (?)
I suppose I have come about as far as I can in my growth, by reading books, and it's probably time to get back out on the street and learn to be with people. (One of these days.)
Back to typing.
(7pm) I ate some shrooms and now I am waiting for them to kick in.
I suppose it's simplistic to think that cocaine would solve my problem with women. (What I have to do is to learn to play and be fun, to be spontaneous, to be assertive, to relate to women in sexual contexts, .…)
(8pm) Still no impact from the shrooms.
Confidence: I don't doubt that I can please women. My doubt has to do with finding women who want to play with me. (Hopefully working on liking myself will cure that.)
(9pm) They still haven't kicked in.
10-7-86
(9am) I felt like shit when I woke up, but I am almost human again. (I managed to get shitfaced last nite! (And this time I managed to puke on the floor instead of the bed.))
I went down to Corky’s and got shitfaced last nite. (And, to please Erica I spent the whole time talking to guys. (Maybe I am missing something, but I still think women make better companions. (I just can't get excited about sports, cars, …, and when they start talking about their sexual conquests I just end up feeling worse than before. (I am a ladies man!))))