(6pm) Nice walk.
I suppose sitting at home alone is safe, but it's also a way of punishing myself.
(7pm) Erica stopped in for a visit. (Nice.)
Now back to typing.
(10pm) Time for a tv break.
10-6-86
(Midnite) Happy birthday to me.
(2am) Tiredness.
For some reason I am very much afraid of people, and when I feel threatened I withdraw. (Why I choose to withdraw I don't know. (I don't remember much of anything from my childhood, so who knows what could be back there.)) (Tis a very simplistic and very effective defense. (But, it gets in the way of experiencing the joys of life, and I need to learn new ways to deal with my fears.))
(11am) Erica suggested that I might be forgetting something in my analysis, and that a shrink might be helpful. (Since I don't remember much before about age 14, that is quite possible. (From what I have been told, my mom and dad were gone a lot working, and my mom's mother took care of me a lot of the time when I was young. (She and my mom were both into the occult and both ended up labeled as catatonic schizophrenics. (My dad says it was the occult that drove them both insane.)))-(Who knows what things I may have been made a part of, or what things I may have seen back then. (And, all that may be why I chose withdrawal as a defense mechanism.))-(Maybe not remembering my childhood is part of why I have problems with play? (Oh well, I am not sure there is all that much value in spending the years it would require to dig back through all of that and find out why I ended up how I am. (I tend to lean more towards taking a learning theory approach now. (i.e., there are behaviors now which make people not want to play with me and I lack the skills to actively participate in play; and I think it's more useful now to find a way to stop the negative behaviors and start positive one’s.)))))
Erica has offered to loan me some money if I need it. (She is so sweet.) (Hopefully, I won't need to though. (I had been sending $500 a month to my dad to hold for me and I have got about $2,000 saved up; so I will be okay, for awhile anyway.)
(3pm) Erica stopped by and we went to the park and had a little picnic. (Nice!) (She gave me a gift certificate from the Army Navy store for my birthday. (Also nice!))
She, like all my women friends, says she doesn't know why women find my undesirable. (They all say that, and then say to find someone else to play with. (Oh well, keep looking for some someone else’s.))