10-5-86
(Midnite) Enough typing.
(2am) Well I walked downtown and had a couple brews at Corky's. (Dell bought me a couple brews and I visited a bit with Gwynn and Pete. (Nice.))
I know it's hard for a lot of people to understand and relate to (It is for Erica anyway.), but I am totally lost in social settings.
I think I need to question every behavior and every attitude I have, and try to adjust them so I am someone fun to we with.
I wonder if my home isn't masculine enough? (Maybe I should hang some pictures of naked women and get a bunch of car parts to stack up in the corner?)
On cigs:
1. Being a defense mechanism, quitting means readjusting to a different way of dealing with people.
2. I am really bugged by my current behavior of buying a pack, smoking a couple, and then flushing the rest. (Each time I mean it to be the end, but ….)
3. Smokers require more space. (The smoke and smell makes it uncomfortable for others to get close. (Maybe if smokers don't get touched as much, it's the lack of touching rather than cigs that is causing cancer?))
4. Cigs reduce spontaneity as you always have to make sure you have brought plenty with you and that they are close at hand, so you can catch that fix regularly.
I have to work on being with those I am with, and get off of myself.
Isn't part of Sam and Diane's problem on "Cheers" that they worry too much about yesterday and tomorrow? (Will they ever start enjoying today?)-(Will I?)
I need to find some way to regain the spontaneity I had sexually with my ex.
I wonder how many addictions are partly excuses to be with people?
(2pm) As much as I bitch, my life now is better than ever. (Painful still, but less so.)
Another thing I have to work on is being so quick to assume that people don't like me.
Why does Erica discourage me about the idea of getting into cocaine? (She and the rest of my women friends have told me countless stories about fun times, and most of those times included cocaine)-(If I am to have fun times, and find women who will play with me, that would seem to be a helpful ingredient.)-(And, when I think back to the men who I have met, who women play with a lot, they all had cocaine around. (Maybe I am wrong, but it seems logical to me to look at the men who women play with, see how they behave and how they make women happy; and then copy them. (And, look at what things the women I enjoy being with find pleasurable and fun, and try to provide those parts of life. (And, cocaine seems to make the women I enjoy happy!)))) (I am tired of not having much fun and I am tired of being someone women won't play with, and cocaine seems to fit in with finding those parts of life.) (?)