(11pm) I typed until eight, and then took a tv break. Now back to typing.
10-4-86
(2am) Enough typing.
I am doing mostly ok with cigs, but it's tough. (Tis tough giving up a defense mechanism. (Defense mechanisms are supposed to protect us from pain, but mine are so extreme they are causing pain themselves.))
Maybe another change I should consider is my humor? (Mostly it has been making fun of myself, and I need to start trying to build my ego up.)
I suppose I am also too self-conscious.
(11am) Laundry time again. (My car wouldn't start, so I had to haul it all down here on my back.)
I had never really paid much attention to my shakes, because they have been a part of me for so long; but Erica has mentioned them several times in the last year. (Hopefully the exercise will get rid of them!) (They are probably another defense mechanism though and a sign of the fear I feel with people; and I will probably have to beat that before they are totally gone.)
In "Frogs into Princes" Grinder and
Bandler talk about how, when people fight, it's often
an outgrowth of not knowing how to go about verbalizing their needs for intimacy,
touching, play, and companionship. (In trying to achieve those things they end up choosing
behavior patterns that achieve the opposite results. (Isn't that mostly conditioned?
(i.e., the old thing about the fun of fights being making up afterwards. (Maybe the only
way a lot of people have of achieving intimacy is to start a fight, so they can make
up?))))
In her last letter Samantha asked why I spent so much time with her when I knew we would never be lovers. (My behavior is such that no woman wants to be my lover, few people want to be around me at all, and few will touch me. (I appreciate the few who will spend time with me.)) (I hope someday I can find a way to stop the part of me that is pushing others away and learn some new ways, but I still haven't unlocked that door. (In fact, right now, I am at the lowest social ebb of my life. (Always before my need for companionship drove me to the bars and I would eventually meet a few people.)))
(1pm) I got a birthday card from my sister. (She is doing well. (Good for her!))
I also got one from Samantha. (She says she may come over for a visit soon. (Last time she talked about that, Leo told her not to bother coming back if she did. (Maybe they have come to better terms with each other.))
(6pm) Erica stopped by and visited. (Nice.)
From what she says it sounds like Miranda's going through a pretty wild time since she broke up with Jeremy. (Unless she happens to wander down one of the deadly alleys of that road, she will work through it in time. (It might do her some good to live out some of her fantasies.))