(9am) I am reading a book on business management now and have run into a couple quotes that are relevant to me, on a personal level:
Tom Peters-"The rationalist approach takes the
living element out of situations that should, above all, be alive." (Erica has
commented several times over the years that I shouldn't have any problem finding lovers,
as I am "intelligent and sensitive". (I would say that I am too much of both for
anyone. (I analyze situations where I should just flow with the moment; and I take things
too seriously and end up withdrawing into my shell when there is no real reason to.)))
Woody Allen-"80% of success is showing up."
(I have tried a lot of things once, but when I fail I tend to give up on them. (I have to
accept that I have to fail a lot in the process of learning to be with others, and keep
showing up, in spite of it.))
I sometimes wish I could hate my ex (Maybe then I could work through this and burn that bridge?); but I understand a lot of the whys of her behavior and can empathize. (The two primary reasons I saw were:
1. She had been hurt by a lot of men and her behavior kept me from getting too close. (It worked. (I was so frightened of the attacks I constantly monitored everything I said and did, so as to try and avoid the next one! (As a result, I never allowed myself to be me around her, never got close to her, and never let her close to me.))) (She expected from the beginning that it wouldn't last, and she was right. (e.g., she removed her IUD a couple months after we got married, without telling me, and got pg. (She said it was because it was just a matter of time until I left her and she wanted a part of me that would still belong to her.)))
2. She was working out her anger toward the men in her past on me. (e.g., being raped from eight until she ran away from home at 14, by men in her family. (She wasn't allowed to express the anger and pain then, and her mom blamed it all on my ex for being female.)) (e.g., her first husband cheated on her constantly, and beat her verbally and physically on a regular basis. (e.g., one time when she tripping was on acid he staged a scene where he took her out in the country, holding a gun on her all the way, and told her all about how he was going to torture and then murder her.)
(I can understand why she was how she was, but that didn't make it bearable.) (And, I can understand that my experience with her is the root of a lot of my current fear of women, but that doesn't seem to help me to overcome it.)
I wonder if I will ever come to be comfortable with going out broke again? (I guess I could change my priorities if I wanted to go out that badly. (Since I moved here, I have spent a lot of money fixing up my home and I am eating better than I did in my bar days. (I could have invested it in going to bars, and I might have found some new friends.))) (I wonder what bar would be good to invest in, when I get back to going out? (Flippers is an ok bar, but there are few women. Same for Corky's, a lot of the time.)) (Oh well.)
(6pm) Quotes:
Tom Peters-"... optimal group size, in most
studies, is about seven." (Maybe having trouble interrelating in groups of more than
four or five others isn’t so unusual?)
Karl Weick-"... chaotic action is preferable to
orderly inaction."
(10pm) Quiet rainy nite. (Nice.)
I typed for awhile, and now tis tv time. (I feel burned out.)
7-10-86
(9pm) Quiet evening of typing.