7-15-85
(8pm) Laundry's done again. (Such fun.)
I treated myself to a couple of new albums. (Music is nice.)
(6pm) I finished Franz Kafka's "The trial" today. (One should
never anger the law, or assume it holds any relationship to justice.)
7-17-85
(1am) Samantha and one of her girlfriends stopped by. (We all went down to the Eagles, the Paw, and finally the Sundance. (We shot pool, danced, drank, and had much fun!)) (The girl watching was marvelous.)-(I still can't imagine sex though. (I fantasize, but when it comes down to it, I am just not ready to deal with it.)) (I ran into one woman I know, and she says she resolved her latest fight with her beau by threatening to slash her wrists. (I think emotional blackmail is cruel and vicious.))
I hope someone who owes me money, comes through soon.
I got another rejection notice on my book today. (How depressing.)
I like the new Dire Straits album.
Am I impotent? (Just because I can get it up doesn't mean I am not.) (If I can't deal with intimacy, I am just as impotent as if I couldn't function physically.)
(Noon) Aspects of celibacy:
1. Fear of being hurt.
2. Fear of hurting another.
3. Fear of disease.
4. The association of sex and death that was caused by my mother dying when I lost my virginity.
5. The association of sex and pain established in my marriage.
6. Poverty.
7. Uncertainty about what is right.
8. Fear of not being able to perform.
9. Fear of performing poorly.
10. Having a lot of women friends isn't usually connected to having lots of lovers and I am not willing to give up women friends.
11. Being different in lifestyle and philosophy limits the number of women I can get along with out of bed.
12. Proving I can keep my pants on, despite what my ex said through all those years.
13. Punishing myself.
7-18-85
(8am) Samantha called last nite. (I went down to P C J's where she works and bs'd with her.) (The girl watching there was good. (One in particular. (Yum.)))
Samantha stopped by the apartment after work and visited for awhile.