(11pm) I got in three hours of work on that new tax job I picked up. (What a mess.) (And, from this guy’s track record, I wonder if I will get paid. (Oh well, tis an interesting puzzle and will keep my mind occupied.))
One nice thing about smoke is that it helps me to unwind and shut off work. (One gets so many numbers running around in their mind when doing accounting.)
12-20-84
(8pm) I visited with my lawyer today. (He says if I don't start seeing my kids, my ex can file suit for abandonment. (At least then I would be out from under the child support debt.))
My rationalizations for not seeing my kids are:
1. They have found some amount of harmony in their lives, and I feel my barging into their lives now would just be a disruption.
2. I haven't yet worked through all the anger and fear from the marriage, and still can't deal with my ex.
3. I am not really in the best of shape to be dealing with the hostility and rejection that would have to be worked through.
4. I am already spending half of my income on support. (I suppose wanting to spend half of my income on my own survival is selfish.)
5. Until I can afford to get all the back child support caught up, I don't feel I have any rights.
6. My self-doubts keep telling me I am a lousy father.
7. I am not sure my car would make it there and back.
Last nite's bedtime poems: