(11am) I say I am trying to get over Erica; but she said she might come to town for a visit and I am sitting at home waiting to see if the phone will ring. (Such a mess.)
(6pm) I had a vasectomy about nine years ago. (If I hadn't I would probably have a bunch more kids. (My ex did love being pg.)) (I wonder sometimes how much that has to do with my undesirability and my feelings of inadequacy. I would guess it has some impact on testosterone levels and that may well be getting in the way.)
12-2-84
(7am) Last nite was another wild and crazy Saturday nite. (I drank five beers and passed out around 10pm.)
I haven't been in a bar for two weeks now. (That must be some kind of record for me.)-(I very rarely went when I was married, but the bars have been a way of life for me during my single nites.)
I wonder if I will ever overcome my fears and doubts?
I wonder if Erica came to town this weekend? (Our relationship is sufficiently strained by my feelings; she might not want to see me.)
(8am) I have read hardly anything this week. (I just sit, stare at the wall, and think.) (With all the thought I have applied to my problems, one would think an answer would have come around by now.)
(1pm) The trip to Billings reminded me of when I lived there. (What a binge that time of my life was.) (If I had had the money, I would have gone looking for a hooker.)-(Tis tempting to consider giving up on working through my problems with relationships, and let the ladies of the nite take care of those needs.)
I must have really pissed Samantha off. (She hasn't stopped by to see me in almost two weeks now.)
(2pm) Now I am reading "When she was good" by Philip Roth. Now is as good a time as any to begin
another regular part of this journal with some quotes from it: "Somehow you start
thinking you are a failure, and that there is nothing you are doing about it, except
failing some more." (Once one begins to fail it’s hard to turn things around,
and find the confidence to keep trying.)
(4pm) The mountains are beautiful with all the new snow.
(9pm) I went over to the Cunninghams’, shot darts, bs'd, and collected some money they owed me for tax work. (Twas great getting out and socializing a bit.) (And now I have the money to finish up my Xmas shopping for this year. (I only buy presents for my kids and Erica, so it isn’t too big a deal.)-(Maybe I should buy myself a Xmas present too?))
Oh yes, I did manage to fall in serious lust with one of the women at Carrie's party the other nite. (But, then again, I am always falling in lust.)